A sweet Golden Time

Now that my kids are older and bigger than me, I often watch young moms with a twinge of sadness because I don’t have little ones anymore. I’m sure, with the passage of time, I have romanticized their childhoods and remember only the sweet things—not the times I walked around with the spanking spoon in my back pocket (It was very necessary, Tess Michelle). But regardless of my rose-colored glasses, I have gained some wisdom in my parenting journey that I would like to share.

And so, I have chosen to write a letter to all moms of little kids everywhere. If that is you, read on:

Dear Mom, yeah you, the exhausted one,


Do you realize how incredibly cute children are? Yes, even when they are messy and snotty and stinky and sticky. God made children squeezably soft and appealing, now go look at yours, yes, the ones you look at every day all day, with fresh eyes. Soon they will grow up and you will no longer be able to smell their fresh baby heads or nibble on their ears to show them how delicious they are. See them in all their childish quirkiness and adore.


You know the fort-building they do in the basement and the four-square they play together on the driveway? It will only last a time—a sweet golden time—and then they will be too busy with homework and projects and track meets to have any time to play? Are you giving them enough unstructured time to create potions out of berries, and to ride their bikes playing cops and robbers? Are you letting them eat popsicles on the sidewalk after they run through the sprinkler on a hot summer day? If you don’t savor your summers now, you will soon be home alone while all of your children are working their part time jobs, and you will have no one to take to the library or to the park or to Tropical Sno…and this will make you sad.


Now look at your oldest kids—what are they? 6 or 7? They are still children—not little adults—even though they may seem that way when you compare them to your youngers. Let them be kids and don’t expect them to think or act or clean their messes up exactly like you would. If they want to wear the same Mighty Ducks t-shirt all summer long, let them. They will never get the chance to be this carefree—and dirty—again.


You know how your kids sometimes beg you to read to them and how you try to skip pages in the book to make it shorter? Don’t do that. Spend as much time as you can with them on your lap; pretty soon they will be too big and bony to sit there. Breathe in their curiosity and hunger for knowledge. Their brains are sponges. Help them soak up really good things—like scripture and music and words of adoration. You are the gatekeeper of their minds right now—don’t let the garbage in.


Revel in the things that capture their attention—maybe its frogs or princesses or the little ants on your front step. These childish affections will eventually be replaced by forced concentration on schoolwork and grades and sports. Soon, very soon, you will be going to bed before them because they have an analytical essay due the next day, and there will be no more conversations about poison dart frogs or Snow White or hard-working insects while tucking them in.


Even though it may feel like it, they will not be these ages indefinitely. They will not wear the cute jumper with the cat on the front or the flannel-lined jeans with the patches forever. When they have outgrown them, and you are folding these items to give them away, you will tear up because you will suddenly realize that childhood is fleeting, that your kids are growing, and that you have taken it all for granted and you can never get it back. This will make you yearn for them and their childish ways. It will make you wish you could stop the clock right now and keep them exactly as they are. But you won’t be able to stop it; everyone grows up. That’s just how life works—even if we don’t appreciate its sweetness.


After you eat supper tonight, all together on the screened porch, and after your little ones go outside to play on the swing set, I want you to sit with your husband in the pleasant summer breeze and watch them as they giggle and scream. Then, make a point to record that moment forever in your brain…because one day soon you will yearn for it.


And when they come in, and they are all bathed and beautiful and sleeping soundly in their beds, and after you have checked on them a million times to make sure they are still breathing, get on your knees and pray to God and say thank you for all of your blessings, your very generous blessings,
                                             and this sweet,
                                                                   golden time
                                                                                         called childhood.
                                                                                                    
                                                                                                      Very sincerely yours,

                                                                                                       TORI

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children,you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:2-4

The Key to Greatness

Things are starting to slow down around the Haverkamp house and I finally have some time to think. When I can think, I can write, and when I write, I can blog. Here’s what I have been thinking about:

We are now in the process of teaching the fourth Haverkamp child to drive. For those of you with young children, let me warn you; teaching teenagers to operate a two ton machine, with skill, and without killing anyone, is terrifying—which is why I let Brent do it. Sometimes, when Brent is doing the teaching, I ride along in the back and close my eyes and pray, “Protect, protect, protect”, over and over again—I am not kidding. It’s not that my teens are inherently bad drivers (Luke excluded—he knows this to be true. He is 20 now and a great driver—and he’s in China right now and won’t read this post—but we narrowly escaped death several times in his early driving days), it’s just that driving requires them to use several of their mental processes at the same time. It takes muscle coordination and good judgment. Have you looked at any 14 year old boys lately? Mine is gangly and not always in control of his appendages, and his decisions are not always logical. But the fascinating part of this whole scenario is this; with practice, these terrifying travelers eventually become reliable. They drive and drive and drive, and then we let them go by themselves and they survive. It’s truly amazing.

What’s the key (get the pun?)? It’s training. We sit beside them and guide them in and out of parking lots and onto freeway ramps. We make them park in tight spaces and do three point turns. We let them be nervous when they are driving on a two lane highway and a semi comes roaring toward them in the other lane. We allow them to experience stress in a controlled environment, so when the real stuff comes along and they are alone, they will know how to deal with it. And eventually they—even Luke--get good at this driving thing. Repetition makes habits. Habits create skill. Skill makes good drivers.

Isn’t this what we should be doing as Christ-followers? Shouldn’t we be training ourselves—and our kids—so we can become the best possible reflection of Jesus? Instead of saying, “I’m not a very good pray-er”, how ‘bout we practice praying everyday—maybe setting a time for prayer, maybe writing out our prayers? And then after we practice and practice and practice, prayer will come more naturally and easily. And then when the hard stuff comes along, the stuff that makes our lives stressful, prayer will be what we think of first, because we have made it a habit. And instead of saying, “I’ll leave the serving to others, cause that’s just not my gift”, how ‘bout we train by serving everyday? Maybe in just simple ways, like making the bed for your wife (thanks honey), or by picking up the paper towels that fell out of the garbage can in the Target bathroom. Then, maybe we’ll get so much in the serving habit that it will become part of our nature—even though it’s not our gift. The same goes for basic disciplines like Bible study, evangelism, scripture memory—even eating healthy and exercising—’cause your body is His temple. If we repeat these healthy, spirit-building habits enough—asking Jesus to assist us in our efforts--we will become skilled at them…and skill makes for a shiny reflection.

We can become highly proficient at things that we inhale vigorously (this phrase was coined by my oldest child when I wouldn’t allow him to say the word “suck”) at now. Just look at our teenage drivers—they go from terrifying to terrific—especially Luke. And we can go from reflecting Jesus mildly to reflecting Him magnificently. But it takes a choice…and extra effort…and lots of practice.

Are you ready for greatness?

…train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

1 Timothy 4:7-8

30 Things Your Child Needs to Know...Continued

16. How to be discerning when considering books, films, music, friends: When your child is picking entertainment or company, teach them how to be prudent and wise. Tell them to ask themselves, “Is this wholesome?” “Will it be good for my mind?” “Do these friends make me better?” For media review, we love the site www.pluggedin.com

17. How to write a proper thank you note: These should be written (not emailed) and sent in the mail within one month of receiving the gift. They should be written neatly and be heartfelt and authentic—expressing sincere gratefulness.

18. How to run a 5K or something similar: You may or may not include this on your list. I think it is important because it’s important to me. Teaching my kids to train for, and run, a race produces in them mental toughness and perseverance.

19. How to take care of pets: As a child, I always had pets and felt they taught me compassion and responsibility. My children now have pets to feed, clean, train, and love.

20. How to write lists/goals and complete them: Teach your kids the importance of writing down the things that need to be done. Challenge them to write goals for themselves and discover ways to achieve these dreams.

21. Basic Medical knowledge: Every Haverkamp child had to learn basic first aid, CPR, and the Heimlich maneuver. I made them learn these because I allowed them all to babysit other children and I felt these skills were necessary. This knowledge has also come in handy on our annual backpacking trips—especially when their mother falls and sprains her ankle.

22. How to ride public transportation by themselves: Riding a bus or taxi can be daunting if you have never done it before. Teach your child to check out the bus schedule for appropriate routes and times or call the taxi service and request a car. Then have them walk or ride their bike to the bus/taxi stop.

23. How to speak to old people: Some kids are intimidated by the very old. When your children are young, take them to nursing homes and hospitals and allow them to converse with the elderly. Tell them to speak slowly and clearly and to treat the person with honor.

24. How to take care of children: I alluded to this in the basic medical care section. Babysitting younger children is an important skill your kids need to gain. Not only does this prepare them for parenthood, but it gives them the opportunity to learn how to change a dirty diaper, rock a sleepy baby, and make supper with one hand.

25. How to Swim: Every kid needs to know how to swim—it doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to save their lives.

26. How to be a good guest: Teach your kids respect for property—yours and everyone else’s. If your kids stay at another’s home, babysit, or rent an apartment, the rule should always be: “Leave it cleaner than you found it.”

27. How to remember birthdays and special days of family/friends: Teach your kids how to be a good friend. Good friends invest in others and acknowledge their special days with a note, a gift, or a simple email.

28. How to give a meaningful gift: Giving good gifts takes skill and observation of other’s preferences. Teach your kids to think about what will make others feel special or loved.

29. How to make and keep their own appointments: If you, as the parent, always make and transport your child to their doctor’s, dentists, and optometrist appointments, when are they ever going to learn this skill themselves? Have your kids plug those important phone numbers into their phones and guide them in this task.

30. How to call their mom and tell her they love her. Moms need this. And they need it often. Tell your kids to call Dad too. Even a text is good—anything will do when your baby is far away.

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 127:3-5

30 Things Your Child Needs to Know...

Haverkamp child #2 is just about ready to fly. It’s in this season that I always evaluate whether I have taught them everything I want them to know before they enter the big world of adulthood. I’ve never made a list of the things my kids need to master before they leave the nest; I have a mental tally. But today and tomorrow, I’ve decided to share that previously unspoken list with all of you—15 skills today and 15 tomorrow! Aren’t you lucky?! Here goes…

30 Things your child needs to know before they leave your home:

1. How to use and wake to an alarm clock: Believe it or not, some kids are awakened by their parents into their teen years. Teach your kids to use an alarm clock and to manage their own sleeping schedule. Let them be late if they choose to push snooze.

2. How to clean well: Every kid should know how to scrub a toilet, shake a rug, and properly make up a bed with clean sheets. Parent inspection must follow these clean up jobs to ensure excellence.

3. How to do their own laundry—well: This not only includes the washing of clothes, but the drying, folding, and occasional ironing of them.

4. How to properly set a table: Would you know how to set the table if the queen was to dine at your house? Make sure your kids know where the knife, spoon, fork and napkin go, along with the plate, bowl and cup.

5. How to plan a meal: This includes everything from finding recipes and following them, presenting the food, and cleaning up the entire mess.

6. Manners! Social manners, table manners, phone manners—just general respectfulness! Make sure your kids are noticed for their great social graces.

7. How to sew at least one basic item on the sewing machine: In the Haverkamp house, sewing is not a female-only activity. My boys are fairly adept on the sewing machine. At the very least, your kids must know how to mend torn clothing and sew on a button well by hand.

8. How to handle money: In order for kids to learn about money, they must have some money. Before they are able to get a job to earn this money themselves, give them an allowance. As they get older teach them to how to count change, write a check, balance a checkbook, and make investments to allow that money to grow. Teach them how to give, to spend wisely, and to save.

9. How to shake hands with confidence: This is a skill that is lacking in young people today. Teach your kids to confidently look another in the eye, extend their hand, and ask others their names. If your child is uncomfortable looking others in the eye, have them look at the bridge of the other’s nose.

10. How to inquire about, interview for, and maintain a job: This will also include how to work hard at that job even when they don’t feel like it or it is boring.

11. How to plan a route to a destination and get there without using GPS: With the advent of Google maps and the Tom Tom, our kids have become directionally challenged. Before your child leaves, make them plan, and successfully execute, a route to a chosen spot using only a map and a compass.

12. Basic auto mechanics: Every boy and girl that drives a car needs to know basic auto mechanics—changing a tire, checking the oil, filling the tires with air, filling the tank with gas, knowing what to do when the “check engine” light goes on.

13. How to drive a car with a manual transmission: Every kid that drives should also know the basics of driving a stick-shift. This skill comes in handy when the company car (that goes with the new job) does not have an automatic transmission.

14. How to educate themselves: Even if you are not a great reader, teach your progeny the value of a good book. Teach them how to experiment with different genres—classics, sci-fi, biographies. Show them how to go to the Library and look at the research items there in addition to researching topics on the internet.

15. How to establish a quiet time with God: This can be done mostly by example. Kids need to know that it takes time and energy to establish an intimate relationship with the Creator of the world. They also need to know that it’s easy to put this on the back burner in favor or more “urgent” items. Show them how important it is to put God first everyday.


To be continued…stay tuned for more necessary life skills in tomorrow’s post!

Time for Training

I’ve been thinking about something for a few days now.

Wednesday night Brent and I spoke to our church’s family ministry about money and stewardship. We talked about assigning children jobs—just regular unpaid because-your-part-of-the-family chores. We also talked about jobs-for-pay; these are any other jobs that are above and beyond the expected assigned tasks. We pay our kids to do these things. We figure that they need to have money to learn how to use money.

We explained that it takes time to train children to work well and work hard. It also takes time to inspect the children’s work to make sure expected standards are met. We gave the example of lawn mowing. At the Haverkamp house, lawn mowing is a job-for-pay. And it is a big job—since we have a big lawn--about 5 hours of time if done well. Then, there is the clean up afterward and the time for parent inspection. All in all, this task can take almost an entire summer day.

Now here’s what made me sad: One concerned father approached us after class and said,

“You know, I like what you said about training your kids to work and all, and I would love for my kids to learn that, but between our jobs, and all of the kids’ practices and activities, we never have a five hour chunk of time. How can I teach them faster?”

And Brent’s wise answer to this sincere father of three was,

“You can’t. Training takes time.”

I find it sad that many of today’s families are so busy that their kids aren’t learning to work. Not only that, but those same kids don’t know how to play either. I don’t mean organized sports and planned activities, I just mean laying in the grass and seeing shapes in the clouds; playing cops and robbers on bicycles; swinging so high your feet touch the tree leaves; making tents from sheets over the clothesline.

Play is the work of childhood. If our children today don’t have time to do this, and do it often, how will they ever learn to be real workers in the real world?

Childhood is short.

Training takes time.

Hard work pleases God.

Just something to think about.

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Practicing Prudence

Here at the Haverkamp house, we have four teenagers and we are big into “prudence”. Prudence is an old fashioned word which means,

“The ability to govern and discipline oneself by the use of reason.”

The reason that prudence is so important when it comes to moody teenagers (or adults for that matter) is because moodiness is an emotion like any other; when we give in to it, not only are we irritating and unpredictable, in reality, we are being very self-focused. As Christ-followers, we should be continually striving to be Christ-focused, not self-focused. When we are looking toward God for guidance in our thinking, we are using the renewed mind that He has promised us in Romans 12:2, and we are unable to keep our eyes focused on our selves. When we allow ourselves to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, we will be able to test and approve of what God’s will is—His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

This is where prudence comes in; when I am tempted to feel discontented in any way, I need to refocus my mind on the TRUTH of God—not the '”truth” of the world. I need to realize that my emotions often lie to me and they will convince me to have that pity party that I desire. This pity party is not of God, because when I focus on myself…and my hurts…and my perceived injustices, I am idolizing my feelings instead of God’s TRUTH. But…if I choose to govern and discipline myself by use of reason, I am evaluating what I am feeling by placing it next to what is TRUE. If what I am feeling does not line up with God’s TRUTH and His character, then I need to train my reactions to these situations and learn to reign in my rogue emotions.

Elizabeth Elliot says it well; “The discipline of emotions is the training of responses.” When we train ourselves to be God-glorifying with our emotions—even when we don’t feel like it—we are training our responses. And like any other training, training your responses takes time, work and effort. And like any other training, disciplining your emotions is often unnatural and unpleasant. But with practice, all things get easier and more automatic. When I first started exercising my will to think with the TRUTH, it was as if I were learning to speak a foreign language—the way of reason was so unnatural to me…I was a feeler, not a thinker…and I often used that as an excuse for moodiness. Once, I understood how I was grieving God by my inward focus, I started immersing myself more and more in the Word of God. I chose to believe that God’s Spirit inside of me could control my powerful moods and I chose to evaluate where my emotions would lead me. Basically, I learned to think before I responded to my feelings.

As a teenager, hormones can cause increased mood swings, but if your child has chosen to be called a Christ-follower, then they need to do just that—follow Christ. When they give in to these very powerful—and real—feelings, they are focusing on themselves and not on God. Adolescence is a great time for your child to learn how to train their emotions and responses because they will have adequate opportunities to do so. If they learn the valuable skill of practicing prudence now, they will be prepared for life’s peaks and valleys in the future. Your child’s adolescence is also a great time for you, as the parent to demonstrate how God is working in your life. Share your struggles with your teen. Tell them how you, too, have to choose “agreeability” when you feel like being cross. And let them know when you mess up. Apologize when your attitudes don’t reflect Christ. Authenticity speaks volumes to our kids.

Prudence is a choice. Let’s live our lives in wisdom.

Our kids are watching.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

Ephesians 5:15-17